You

Where are you? Please, stop playing hide and seek…Come on…just come on, please. Let me tell you something. There are a lot of things i wish to tell you. I would like to explain so many things. But, how can i do it in a right way? Surely you don’t know anything about it. Should i say what the meaning i am talking about really is. Oh! What are you doing now? Just listen to me. Are you worried about anything? Do you feel bad? You seem as if you were in another world. Do you? Come on, please…watch me out… I want another kind of relationship between us. I hope we can spend more time together in a pretty different way. Can you understand me? Why are you always looking at me with non-understanding eyes? Well…I shouldn’t be surprised about it. As always it seems as if you never took care of anything. How can you live like that? I supposed it wasn’t possible since i knew you. Because of that, maybe, sometimes i would like to be in your place. Yes, i have to admit it. When i see you living this kind of life, every time laying on the sofa, or eating or playing with something i want to be like you. I could try to do it but i can’t be sure about if i could succeed with my challenge. So, despite the fact that i can do my best efforts, i don’t know…we are so different, you know…I’m not ready to take such a decision. Nevertheless, in some sense sometimes i feel very similar to you. When i feel alone in the whole world, doing without everything, keeping in silence for a long time, keeping in touch with my own mind, i guess we aren’t as different as we can imagine. No please! Don’t leave me alone in this moment! Please, come back and sit close to me. i need to feel you are with me. I perfectly know you are not interested in what i’m telling but i need to do it. I just want to go on with my speech. Please, put your willings away during this time. I will try not to turn myself boring. It is a promise, isn’t it? What another thing do you need now? I think you have everything you want, however you seem so nervous now. Suddenly you got rid of your usual calm. What’s the matter with you? Whenever i want something, you decide to change the way. Are you listening to me? Oh! Stop doing it! Stop it! Just relax…

Do you want anything to eat? Well I’ll give you something…Oh! Surely your face is changing now…This is the power of food. Don’t you think so? It is amazing! Someday i will prepare a big party for you. I hope to do it. This day we are going to clean the house up. To tidy everything up. I wish you would be glad about it. I love parties. In spite of the efforts it means it is wonderful to spend a happy time with others. So that day i will prepare a special meal to you. Do you know what you will want to eat in that occasion? Well, take it easy…you can think about it. You have time. When you know about your choice you have to tell me…Do you have a favorite meal? Many people have one. I can’t understand it, but sometimes it happens. It is unbelievable, isn’t it? I think you agree with me, you always eat the same, don’t you? Are you over with it? I don’t think so. Many years ago something like that happened to me. I could spend a long time eating the same meal. I had my periods, of course. I want to say when i met something i liked i kept eating it until i got tired to do it. So, tomatoes period; pumpkins period; chickens period; cheeses period; it could have been the story of my life. It had been funny, hadn’t it? But suddenly something changed. I never knew the real reason but my meal- periods vanished like air in the wind. At first i was afraid to vanish with the matter of meal. I didn’t know how i could live without it. I was not hungry at all. I didn’t take care about meals. And, at last, i began to feel sick. Life was turning to an awful thing. An absolutely non-sense thing. I had lost interest in everything. I could turn in all the day long and generally I fell asleep. When I was sleeping, i remember, i used to dream with enormous pieces of meats that were running into me. When i woke up i couldn’t be sure about if it had been a dream or not. Life was going on this way and i just kept in touching with my dreams. Sometimes i woke up stronger than the day before. When it happened, i guessed, i was able to find my old life again. Unfortunately this kind of feeling didn’t last very much. Generally something different took up the scene that showed me i was wrong. Something like another kind or dream, i mean.

When someone is living this kind of experience, terrible things can be up. Something has to end with the hopeless. Luckily it happened.

In those days i couldn’t put up with the situation anymore. Everything i had loved and liked had disappeared. I felt another person, but i didn’t know who i was yet. So life was going by separately from me.

I was living, of course, but without any consciousness i was doing it. I have to say i felt rare, i was feeling like a strange man. And, i was one. I told you i couldn’t eat anything and, at last i couldn’t sleep either. My dreams…oh! my terrible dreams were not there any longer. I kept all day long thinking the matter about. I couldn’t find an answer for this situation until my body came to help me. Of course at first i couldn’t understand it, but, at the end the stuff was as clear as water. Let me tell you how it happened. Maybe you are going to think i was crazy, but, if you listen to me, you’ll understand it was not the case. Craziness is an absolutely another thing. I’m talking about real things, things that happened actually. They are not fantastic ideas or dreams or feelings. It is not about the mind of a man can create. It is not about what a desperate man can imagine. Never mind! I was not crazy at all! I was living a strange experience in some sense, but this kind of things can happen to every common man. Common men like me or someone else. This is the truth and you should know it. And if you want to know the real meaning of my experience, just listen to me…please.

I told you my body helped me a lot. Should i say, my body had begun to live in a separate way. I was listening to some rare noises which were coming from my stomach. I guessed it was caused because i had stopped eating. But one day i could realize they weren´t simple “noises”, you know. I mean, if i heard them carefully I could hear clear words coming from there. So i began to pay attention because i was sure there was a secret message i had to know. During some weeks i kept on watching it out. I couldn´t do another thing except to try to understand what it was telling me. It was not an easy work. The noises from the street were bothering me. I closed every window carefully, but it wasn´t enough. My neighbours, pretending to help me, had begun to whisper beside the walls of my flat. What could i do then? They were decided to wreck my life, evidently. The most silent room of my apartment was my small kitchen. It´s unbelievable what a man has to learn to live his own life. So i just moved everything i needed there. My bed, some clothes and also a table lamp. Nevertheless i should say they weren´t as necessary as i had supposed. In spite of this fact i felt a little better with that new situation. In a complete silence i would listen to my stomach perfectly. Other silent days went by until the first message was said.

“With nothing”, were its first words. I was sure it had said it to me. But, what did it mean? Suddenly I had no doubts. I had to throw everything. And i did it. I took all my furniture and i got rid of them. I don’t remember the way i did it, but i remember the empty flat, i can still watch myself, sitting on the wooden floor, among nothing except you. You…my little puppy. You remained alive despite the fact that i never took care of you in those days.

You…what can I say about you? You, my best partner, sweet little thing, i love you so much…and i loved you a lot then. I miss you. I miss your bright eyes, your innocent face, your beautiful body… I also miss your company, your silent presence, your wise existence. How could you leave me alone? How could it happen? I remember those beautiful days. Both, you and me, keeping in touch, together. I had thought that was the solution for all my troubles. So, after having thrown everything, i kept there enjoying my new silence life. But that new situation didn’t last as long as i had guessed. After some days, those familiar words showed up again. At first i couldn’t understand what was happening. I had done what i had to do…So, what did they really want? Had i understood the message? If it was going on, i had not done it in a right way. I kept close to my stomach, listening to it carefully, i would have even stopped breathing if i had had the power to do it. With such a kind of efforts i was in an almost complete silence. Even though i remained waiting, i began to lose my hope. Meanwhile i began to feel weak, my forces had vanished, i was desperate. I hardly had air when the message was said again. I was right. I hadn’t heard right. Instead of “with nothing” it had said “eat roughing…”.It had been enough. I didn’t need more explanation. I understood immediately. I understood everything. I had not even a little doubt.

The taste was not what i had expected. Maybe because of my empty stomach; or maybe because i had never prepared that kind of meal before. I don’t know. I did my best efforts to cook you in a right way. Whatever! The fact is i ate everything despite that awful taste. Suddenly the words had disappeared. A few minutes later i could feel an amazing sensation. I was free and i could feel alive, at last.